UGO II

our product is...

Consumer Goods

Back

Bee-shaped Epipens

Works for bees (but not for peanuts).

Traditional epi-pens offer a generic experience, temporarily halting all forms of anaphylactic shock. However, UGO II customers expect a white-glove, curated experience. Enter our new, bee-shaped Epipens. Specially formulated to only work on bee-induced allergic reactions, and sculpted by an industrial designer to resemble a bee, for maximum symbolic value.

Costco Hotdogs

The same product for 200% the price.

UGO II pioneered outsourcing, leading to a massive decrease in labor costs. (Other effects on business have yet to be determined.) Now, UGO II brings outsourcing to the foodservice industry with its new line of hotdogs. Production will be outsourced to Costco, a long time UGO II partner, while UGO II handles proper pricing and profit collection.

Freedom Tower Gravel

The most patriotic type of rock, made right in the Freedom Tower.

We were all saddened by the tragic attacks in New York on 9/11. UGO II is showing its support for America by releasing Freedom Tower Gravel. Every day, UGO II will lift three tons of rocks to the eighty-fifth floor of the Freedom Tower, crush it into gravel, and ship it back to the ground to be used in construction across America. Together, we can show the terrorists American strength.

Bobby Leather Services

Made only from the most endangered animals available on the market.

What do you get the person who has everything? How about a fine leather good that comes with a guarantee that it will have a positive effect on the environment?

That's right, each Bobby Leather Services piece comes with a guarantee that will lead to the extinction of at least one species. Nature's most hated animals will finally get the chance to be eradicated in style.

Massage Bears

Fully trained not to maul our customers to death... We hope.

The massage industry is growing every year, but there is a drastic shortage of trained massagers to meet demand. UGO II Veterinary Sciences has stepped in to fill this gap with massage bears, specially trained to avoid maulings in 95% of all massage interactions. As an added benefit, bears do not have a legal right to unionize.

Peanut-shaped Epipens

Works for peanuts (but not for bees).

Traditional epi-pens offer a generic experience, temporarily halting all forms of anaphylactic shock. However, UGO II customers expect a white-glove, curated experience. Enter our new, peanut-shaped Epipens. Specially formulated to only work on peanut-induced allergic reactions, and sculpted by an industrial designer to resemble a peanut, for maximum symbolic value.

Memorial Toilets

Honor their life with the thing they loved most.

Complete with a golden plaque, a memorial toilet is the perfect way to immortalize loved ones and lost electronic devices. The porta-toilet option comes with a custom carrying outhouse for those who travel frequently.

American Samoa Pho

The most authentic pho experience for the most authentic UGO customers.

At UGO II, we are deeply committed to multiculturalism and investing in the community. That's why UGO II has spent millions investing in the local pho industry in American Samoa, the site of one of our headquarters. We invite you to try it. It's a true UGO culinary experience.